One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.