One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this