One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

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My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.


ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else


Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.


My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.


landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???


My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.


*she leans in close*
‘kyle, what’s your wildest fantasy?’

*i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*


If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.


[some dude doesn’t like me]

who gives a shit

[a cat doesn’t like me]



a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!