My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*she leans in close*
‘kyle, what’s your wildest fantasy?’
*i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*
If by drinking responsibly you mean drinking out of a plastic cup rather than a glass one then you’re damn right I am.
[some dude doesn’t like me]
who gives a shit
[a cat doesn’t like me]
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!