@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

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@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

@UncleDuke1969

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@sarawrencomedy

PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!

WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.

ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”

@TheBoydP

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@IamEveryDayPpl

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

@XplodingUnicorn

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point