One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
🚲+physics = winner
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.