Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!
WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.
ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
finally found a reasonable question
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point