One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first