FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!
ME: OMG *clutches guns*
[7 years later]
ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
[Invention of the milk shake]
Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster