*eats one piece of lettuce*
*checks for abs*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart