@dimplesticks

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

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@justoneac

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

@jessienope

religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

@ChipKellysBalls

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

@InternetHippo

OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!

ME: OMG *clutches guns*

[7 years later]

ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever

@JordyHamrick

Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he’s not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster