@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

@WilliamAder

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

@DadZZZasleep

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@avxlanche

me: mom i like this person from twitter

mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD

@norkuy

someone called Country Music “Farm Emo” and now I can’t unhear that

@GoldenSpirals

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

@ddsmidt

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*