one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!