one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.