One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.