One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
all that yoga finally paid off
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
early stone age tool
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now