One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Y’all ready for this
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!