@toastymoe
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
@portmanteauface
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me
@dadopotamus
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
@Raoul_Duke_71
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
@batkaren
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
@TheMichaelRock
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
@coryrichardson_
@WilliamAder
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
@steeve_again
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
@Lavadog93
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
@UncleDuke1969
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
