If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
My wife: “Can you pass me the stud finder?”
Me: “You’re the stud finder!”
*deep, awkward silence*
Me: “Here it is.”
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose