men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
Gf: am I pretty or ugly?
Bf: you’re both hun 🙂
Gf: what do you mean both?
Bf: you’re pretty ugly.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*