@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

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@WilliamAder

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

@CoreyKeyz

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@Cryptoterra

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

@_lesleyallan

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies