One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.


Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.


People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”


[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows


tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers


“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden


“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road


[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS


#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies