blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…