One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no


No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.


“I’m half black and I’m trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?”


Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.


I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this


Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.


THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.



Me: would that make you happy?


cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take


an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me