@Lisacossey1

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

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@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@mydmac

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

@38percentsure

“I’m half black and I’m trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?”

@jwoodham

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.

@avesss18

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

@krissywillbretz

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@OllyiConic

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

@InternetHippo

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me