@Lisacossey1

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

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@dadmann_walking

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

@rajaet

There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

@TheBoydP

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@jonnysun

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…