one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Clients after you give them your rates
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?