@Browtweaten

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

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@ljoywilliams

Seriously hackers, y’all gotta do better. I don’t need leaks from HBO, I need my student loan balance reduced to $12

@Dani_Feld

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

@ben_rosen

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

@aotakeo

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@StarWarsProblms

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.