One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
ok this is my dumbest yet
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
This is the best one I’ve seen
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I am patiently waiting for your email
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Saturday
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge