One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Anime is real
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*