One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”