One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.