One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
U talkin 2 me?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.