One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Best seat on the street 😍
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*