One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
when there are deer in the woods
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.