Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.