One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..