One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot


PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?


CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad


Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.


[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water


May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning


Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no