One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers