On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no