@LuvPug

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

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@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@RealCarrotFacts

You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot

@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@Tmoney68

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

@Coolhand_Comedy

May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no