@LuvPug

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

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@thenatewolf

*Friend is sinking in quicksand*

Get help before I drown!

*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*

Technically you’re not drow-

NATE!

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@SamGrittner

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@seancehat

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@Tmoney68

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

@ArfMeasures

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops