*Friend is sinking in quicksand*
Get help before I drown!
*I start to run, stop, jog back to friend*
Technically you’re not drow-
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
can I use a minion as a tampon
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*
M: Hm. That checks out.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops