One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
San Francisco has too many rules
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
twitter is a journey
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”