@leechee420

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

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@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

@jwoodham

If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.