One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You Might Also Like
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards