I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*