@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

You Might Also Like

@EtobicokeErnie

I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@ItsAllBollocks

Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in

@KalvinMacleod

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

@noog

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*