One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science