@TheCatWhisprer

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

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@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

@704919828

Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

@TechnicallyRon

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

@gellaray

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.

Cw..

Me: I told everyone.

@jimmytorosian

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@d2BMcG

Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry