One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.