One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT


Apparently googling “how to get suspended with pay” from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.


Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard


That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.


Me: You can just keep that pen.

Coworker: Sure?

Me: Yeah. I noticed you don’t wash your hands in the restroom.


Me: I told everyone.


I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.


Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.


Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry