(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.