Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Cardio Made Easy

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