One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
That time Alicia messaged me
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.