One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

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I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us


A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out


When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.


Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick


People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine


Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!