One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole