Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.
I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese