@caseytduncan

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

You Might Also Like

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@PaperWash

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

@RdrJay47

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@StoneAgeRadio13

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

@iGreenMonk

I really can’t believe the price some women pay for sunglasses.

I’m starting to think it’d be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted.

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese