One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

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Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.


Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.


If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.


Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.


Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..


GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”


GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”


[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket


Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*


I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it