One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
that wasn’t the question
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.