@DrakeGatsby
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
@Quartzjixler
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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@DrakeGatsby
@david8hughes
[first day as a lion tamer]
Me: ok you need to settle down
@not_thenanny
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
@mommajessiec
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
@nPhelendriqal
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
@MikeDrucker
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
@TheHyyyype
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
@bea_ker
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
*courtroom gasps*
@OctopusCaveman
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
@est1975blog
I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it