@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

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@MarfSalvador

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@One_FineMess

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care