One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You Might Also Like
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.