One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
It has been 3 years since Monday.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit