@chudneyspears

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

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@KMoFlo_official

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

@BlakWidowBarbee

My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.

@hyperblastchic

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

@PopeAwesomeXIII

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

@Ryan_Patricks

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

@sixfootcandy

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@E_lok44

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

@DadisGrumpy

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”