One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.


My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.


Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat


The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.


Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.



Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*


He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.


Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”