@chudneyspears

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

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@mrjohndarby

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

@LifeUnPinterest

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.

@3sunzzz

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

@oddpoette

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

@HepatitisAtoZ

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.