One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

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angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life


angel: helped others


angel: did all u could


angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.


Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.


I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”


Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy


[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”


I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.