One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was