one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
✌️
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.