[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.