@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

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@EliTerry

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

@hannahkimberlee

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

@Jimmywibbles

*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.

@amelianashh

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

@nbadag

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

@XivTroy

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.