@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

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@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@chrissyteigen

i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat