One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”