Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’m tired tomorrow.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.