One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
what the
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON