“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.