One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me when my alarm goes off
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]