One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
That’s not how days work.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here