One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
No. YOU-buprofen.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Bike is short for Bichael.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.