Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.