One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
then why did i get this email
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
When can I start eating bats again.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”