If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*Police bust through door*
-QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR
-I DON’T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁