@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

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@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@Cheeseboy22

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@jake_lach

*Police bust through door*

-QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR

-WAIT, WHY!?

-I DON’T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!

@surrealvehicle

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@UnIxphysco

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

@BlaccieAintShit

Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!

@XoMiSsYoX

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁